It is Okay

It’s okay self. You can never be always happy, always giddy, because there is a darkness in you that you have come to accept. And if that is something that another person cannot even try to understand then you’re good to go. Go on your own way. You don’t have to share the journey of your life with someone who only sees the light. Your darkness makes your light shine even brighter. Embrace it. 

Soon, someone will be with you during your darkest, holding your hand, guiding you through the labyrinth that is your restless mind, and still believing that your light shines the brightest in his eyes. 

Wait for it. Wait for him. He will be worth it. You are worth it. The story will be worth all the darkness endured alone and all the risk you were afraid to take in your lifetime.  

Be brave dear heart. Do not conform to this generation’s norm. Do not fall into the temptations and be still. Do not fall for someone just for the sake of falling. Trust your heart to lead you to where your true happiness lies. Do not lower your standards. 

Remember that being alone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lonely. 

And you are okay. It’s okay. He’ll come. In the mean time, love yourself some more. You need and deserve all the love in the world. 

Quarter Life Crisis-ing

Wanting to post something in a while now but not having the inspiration (nor the arsenal of words) to actually put something up kills me oh so slowly inside. I think that writing has helped me cope up with almost (almost!) everything in my life by physically manifesting my feelings into neatly typed sentences that I don’t know who’ll read but deep inside gives me a sort of soothing, calming effect. It allows me to analyze (me and my hyper analyzing obsession) my situation, my feelings, my thoughts, and let it go from there. Especially when I can’t seem to find a person to talk to (I’m really having a hard time trusting people these days it creeps me out) and I have this whole monologue about myself and my pain just waiting to be heard, all I have to do is type that jumbled monologue and I feel a tinsy bit better.

Babbling babbling and not getting across, but it’s all good.

Anyway, Happy Easter!

I am mad at myself for not attending our Easter Sunday mass. It makes my day extremely sad and dreadful.

Also, my bad habits are showing up one by one and I can’t seem to handle them anymore. Maybe I should just unleash the inner demons once and for all and let them wreck havoc at everything in my life so for once they’ll be contented and leave me alone. But then I can’t face the consequences, can I? Oh choices, choices.

I wanted to go to the beach since late March but looking at things, it is a 50-50 situation comparing it to the 101-0 percent early April. I wanted to climb a mountain but postponing it every time eventually lead to not having any friends to climb a mountain with. I wanted to buy stuff for the sake of having stuff but I am not selfish enough to do that. I wanted to have some alone time but that requires a lot of thinking and that (the thinking) I should stray away from. I wanted to be somebody, change myself, be a person of confidence, but my anxiety and introvert-ness is teaming up to focus everything in their power on me. I wanted a boyfriend but I’m too clammed up and unpretty to actually be asked out on a date.

(Funny thing. After I typed unpretty, this pesky red wave underlined the word. Deciding that it would actually help, I right-clicked the word and the computer suggested the word “pretty”. Funny funny thing.)

Googling “Quarter Life Crisis Symptoms” seemed like a lot of work so I opted to write instead of read. I really feel like everybody is moving on while I’m still here. Stuck on the spot with the same beliefs, mindset, and thinking. (Also still not succumbing to the trend and still wearing the same set of clothes.) It might seem insensitive of me to say this because some people have it worse than me but I really do feel stuck. And i know it is all my fault for not trying hard to move forward. I don’t think I have the strength, YET, to move, move along a path I know in my heart that I’m meant to be in.

Praying for something big to happen soon so I will be woken up from these endless dreams of plainness and meh.

This is not me. Please get me back, me.

Choices and Their Silent Voices

Choices define. Choices divide.

After a long while of living (and dying inside most times) in this wonderful place we call home, a few things became clear. Your choices makes you, you.

Growing up, I had no choice but to follow my parents. I mean, who doesn’t? It wasn’t like they don’t know what they’re doing and overall, they only wants what’s best for us. It was not hard because they still give me the freedom to do what I like (whine, cry, fall down, those things). And they never fail to support me.

Then came the choice to fall in love at such a young age. It was not my intention to do so but things happen for a reason. Years of choosing love over everything made me happy, though there were times when love is all you see that everything else seemed blurry. I prioritized love like it was the only thing that’s keeping me together. And when it’s gone, I burst into tiny little pieces.

After years of wandering and wondering, choosing to move on was the only option. I chose to let go of everything that was dragging me down and be the best version of myself. It took a lot of courage to finally be on my own and start rebuilding the character that I’m meant to be. I chose to be good and to be happy with what I am. It is a long road but the journey will be exciting and worth it.

It’s not easy to choose between what you want and what you need. And I tell you that it will never be easy. Choices lead to consequences. It may be for your own good or for you to learn a lesson. But always remember that whatever it is you choose, it will be an adventure for the books.

Solitude

Deactivating social media accounts except this blog.

Not doing this to see who actually misses me but doing this for thyself.

I want to find me again. I badly want to feel whole just by being with myself. I need to have a real “fresh” start at things.

Finding my purpose without anybody’s one cent will be hard but I have to do this. I can do this. The Lord is with me.

 

Welcome back, Engineer

Hello, my name is Feby Ann Buan Valerio and as of 9:24PM on the 7th of October, I am a Registered Mechanical Engineer.

Beep beep beep. Typing the aforementioned sentence feels so surreal. I literally am still buzzing with the uncontrollable energy I got when I first read the news.  I can’t seem to grasp the idea that finally, after these long months, my hard work (combined with all of my loved ones) paid off.

Coming back to my most cherished blog with a few letters added to my name is the warmest welcome I could hope for.

It has been months since my last blog post (totally emo-ish post) and I want to thank all the readers who still drop by expecting something new (and getting disappointed, I’d like to think) and to those who back read my past posts. I haven’t been able to post anything (even if I badly wanted to) because I had to focus all of my attention to my academics (eg thesis, Power Plant Design book, projects) and my graduation. You wouldn’t believe how stressful that part of my life was. College was so cruel to have its hardest phase for the finale. Around February was the time that I wasn’t able to do anything socially because my time is rationed to my thesis, design book, and a little bit of sleep. I wasn’t home for most days and even if I was, my body was glued to my laptop or my bed.

Though it was tiring, it was equally fulfilling to accomplish something that you actually did yourself (hello my babies Power Plant Design Book and Rotational Molding Machine). I thought graduating will be a breeze because I just really wanted to graduate. It wasn’t that I am not enjoying college, I just wanted to get away from all the drama that college students have. It eats me up and leaves my overthinking self dry and damaged. The day of graduation itself was no exemption to the rule. I almost didn’t attend the ceremonies due to my lack of self-confidence and overwhelming shame of how I look. But I pushed through it and I’m glad I did. After all, you only graduate in Undergrad once.

I had a few days of peace before my anxiety started to bother me because that time, around April (after my birthday, hooray 21-year old self!), I had to review for the board exam but I have no dorm, no dorm mates, no clue whatsoever what I should do to put everything into place. My classmates are all enrolled in another review center and I couldn’t stay in an all boy’s dorm (like duh). So what I did was join in another section’s dorm and tried to get along with new people. It was hard at first because I wasn’t normally sociable but it turned out okay because my dorm mates were good people. No kidding.

Review classes started last May 21 and ended just before the Licensure examination last September 28-29. I wouldn’t go into detail how challenging those months are. I was actually not that worried for the first months but that got me cramming all the lessons I have to study at the last month of review. I even reviewed the day before the exam (even though people told me that I should rest that whole day), stayed late, and also on the 28th (for the subjects on the 29th). Things that I regretted after the exam.

Never cram. I might have been lucky because I was used to cramming and I think it’s one of the study habits that I am adapted to but it is definitely not advisable to do so. You need your rest. Not just your mind, but your body also.

Right after the last day of examination, we went straight to church to attend the Midweek Service. It felt so right to give thanks to the Lord because I felt His Presence all throughout the time I was taking the exam. When questions get tough and my mind is going blank, I just sent a silent prayer and I’m good to go. God truly is amazing.

I went home a few days after the exam because my resources are getting depleted and I super miss my family (don’t forget my bed!). Tentative release of the results was October 4 so from that day on, I slept at around 2-3am. Nothing unusual really. I often sleep that late during the review.

Not expecting results coming out til next week, I was feeling lax (and fat) til one of my friends messaged me with “Congrats!” which I replied to with a “Ha?”. Then I hurriedly checked the website of PRC for the results and Tada~~~!!!

The rest is flooded in tears.

I already said my thank you’s on Facebook but there is one person I haven’t had the chance to say thanks to.

Dear self,

Thank you for being strong, physically and emotionally. I know how hard it is to interact to new people and to adjust to a new environment. You never liked loud and crowded places but you adapted. You never were the friendly one but you made tons of friends. You always doubted yourself but look! You are an Engineer and made everyone proud!

Thank you for not giving up. Even though you contributed to the rooftop’s slight flood at night, you always continued to face what lies ahead. Even though you find living in Manila hard, you still went through it’s daily grind.

Thank you for doing this, not just for yourself, but for your family and those who loves and believes in you.

Now, rest, enjoy life, and prepare for what lies ahead. Because the real world is gonna be a roller coaster ride!

Love, pey   ❤

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Thoughts at 12:16

It could’ve been nice if I had fallen for a person so hard that I would do anything for him to love me back.

I’ve always envied those Japanese and Korean dramas where girls confess their love courageously. They’ll give gifts, prepare lunch, make cute notes, and everything in their power to express how they feel.

Well, that would be an adventure.