Today, I cried

It is not normal for a person to post something when she cries, too petty, I know, but this bunch of tears are a first for a crybaby-turned-numb-human-bean like me. These were unexpected.

After a long night and day of eating out (Happy Fiesta, Orani!) I went home and watched a few of Alex Gonzaga’s vlogs. She was funny and not overly at it. There was this one vlog where she was making Seve laugh. I was smiling while watching the kid laugh then all of a sudden I was crying. Like real tears! These big blobs of salty liquid free flowing from my eyes kept on coming. I was so shocked.

(Writing this now made me realize that some people may think that I may be crying because I lost a kid or something. Nope. Disclamer-ing this.)

That phenomenon went on for a few precious seconds, then I racked my brain for some explanation. I don’t cry that easily anymore and I don’t especially cry because of a baby’s cute laugh, but I did and I think that there is something wrong with me. I always knew I am part-weird but that was the weirdest I’ve been since forever.

I then looked back to when I last cried, maybe this is me subconsciously letting it out because it has been months since, and my mind may be dong this like a regular tune up of some sort. Maybe my tear ducts has a tendency to dry up and this is my brain acting like the boss and letting it flood. Maybe Mr. Brain thinks that I needed it. Maybe.

Not feeling anything at all is my current mood (for this year?) and maybe crying spontaneously is proof that I do feel and I will feel even if I don’t want to. That even if you purposely shut the world out, try to live on your own radar, there will always be some cracks that will let something seep through. That whatever you do, there is always a “+” to that “you”.

This is me trying to psychoanalyze myself again but why not. Rare times call for necessary measures. Also, it was refreshing to cry for reasons not related to the words sad, negative, hurt, and so on.

May this jumbled post allowed you to see tears in a different way. That they’re present in all occasions, like important things do, and perhaps teach us a lesson along the way.


When Being Okay is Not Okay

Help me get out of this phase in my life. Please.

Asking for help was never my first instinct when faced with difficulties. I often break down for a few minutes, goes blank for a few more, and then move forward as much as I could. But there are things that will never be accomplished alone.

I’m so not happy with myself and with how I face what reality throws at me.

Gaaah ranting and not feeling anything at all. This is so sad.

Life, Now

It has been three months since I’ve started training as a Cadet Engineer at our company and so far, it was more than I could dream of.

Rewind to November 17 last year.

Dressed in my most I’ve-got-an-interview attire, shaking with anxiety and uncontained excitement, I went to my first ever job interview at Mariveles, Bataan. I won’t be mentioning the name of the company for the time being because of my status as a trainee and also, for that little mystery. I was early (for once) and unprepared except for the few articles I read about what to do and not to do at an interview. I also ran a background check on the company. Though I already knew about the company when I was in college (it was my first choice at our OJT), I don’t really know it quite well. So, research is what I did. There were only a few articles about the company so I had little to look at. Truthfully, I didn’t review about questions that are related to my course because I was expecting that it would be a “Tell me something about yourself” type of engagement.

Anyway, when we got to the meeting place, the service we were supposed to ride with was late. We, afraid that we might not get there in time, hitchhiked. It was actually funny because we didn’t know where we are supposed to go, we just knew the name of the company. Good thing was the driver of the bus knew where interviewees should go. We waited for about an hour then it was time for the interview.

There were three of us and I was the second one to be called. So much for pressure.

The first thing I had to overcome was my anxiety and shyness (before the actual questions). I was not used to talking to a high up and look him in the eye. I was so scared. Then after introducing my name, he started asking questions. I started to relax at that time. They were hard questions, sure, but I just finished my review and my learnings were quite fresh. At least I knew what I was saying that time. I also admitted to some questions that I didn’t know the answer. It was something that I learned from the speaker of the Oath Taking ceremonies. You should not be afraid to say that you do not know the answer. Asking for something is better than being a know-it-all. Also, having that stuck-up attitude won’t get you that “You’re hired!” reply.

After my interview, we were offered snacks. That is when my love for the company grew tenfold. They have a buffet style cafeteria. That was it. I’m sold.

To be honest, this company is my dream company. Ever since I have heard of it a few years back, I really (really really!) wanted to work here. Although my reasons before were a bit shallow, I think that God planted that tiny seed in my heart that eventually grew into an affectionate tree towards this. It wasn’t His plan for me to have my OJT here because He had bigger things in mind, like me really working here, not for a few months but for as long as I deserve it. It still amazes me how elaborate and great God’s plans are for you and me. It truly is the biggest blessing to have a loving Father.

A few months later, I got a text for the second interview. I was losing hope and succumbed to the urge to apply to other companies by that time and underwent a few interviews also (starts with an E). But as they say, home is where the heart is. Power plants and I have that special connection that I will never give up on. The giddiness it brings to me is always fresh and new. The interview was also unexpected because it was the “Introduce Yourself” type. It was emotional for me (everything is) but I got through.

As of now (at the moment!), I am staring at the vast darkness of the night sky with a few scattering of stars. The moon is shining brightly and nearing its full state in a few nights. I am writing with only the light of few lone lightbulbs for guidance and the embrace of the slightly chilly summer air. We have no exams tomorrow so I had the chance to write and be with myself and my thoughts. I needed this. The sound of ballads whispering in my ear, with my fingers clanking over the letters, and my mind sending too many words at once my hands can’t keep up. I need this.

I’m okay. I actually enjoy the classes. I missed the feeling of learning something new. I missed using my brain other than to overthink. Though it takes a little bit of getting used to, I actually am adapting well to interacting with people I just met. It was liberating to meet people with different perspectives and ideas. It’s fun.

Here’s hoping that the fun never ends and the excitement never fades! Cheers! 😊

Leaving you with a few shots I have from the past months. These were my faves. Have a lovely day, you!

100 Things Update

Head out to my pseudo About Me page on the upper left of this page to see how far I’ve come from the 1st time blogger who just wanted to rant and document all of the movies and books she’s seen.

100 Things – 2017

Thinking about it, it actually turned into 200 Things about me. A hundred before and a hundred more as of this phase in my life.

Enjoy having a tiny piece of myself to read!

Will try to post regularly soon! Too much training modules to drown with, I guess.

It is Okay

It’s okay self. You can never be always happy, always giddy, because there is a darkness in you that you have come to accept. And if that is something that another person cannot even try to understand then you’re good to go. Go on your own way. You don’t have to share the journey of your life with someone who only sees the light. Your darkness makes your light shine even brighter. Embrace it. 

Soon, someone will be with you during your darkest, holding your hand, guiding you through the labyrinth that is your restless mind, and still believing that your light shines the brightest in his eyes. 

Wait for it. Wait for him. He will be worth it. You are worth it. The story will be worth all the darkness endured alone and all the risk you were afraid to take in your lifetime.  

Be brave dear heart. Do not conform to this generation’s norm. Do not fall into the temptations and be still. Do not fall for someone just for the sake of falling. Trust your heart to lead you to where your true happiness lies. Do not lower your standards. 

Remember that being alone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lonely. 

And you are okay. It’s okay. He’ll come. In the mean time, love yourself some more. You need and deserve all the love in the world. 

Quarter Life Crisis-ing

Wanting to post something in a while now but not having the inspiration (nor the arsenal of words) to actually put something up kills me oh so slowly inside. I think that writing has helped me cope up with almost (almost!) everything in my life by physically manifesting my feelings into neatly typed sentences that I don’t know who’ll read but deep inside gives me a sort of soothing, calming effect. It allows me to analyze (me and my hyper analyzing obsession) my situation, my feelings, my thoughts, and let it go from there. Especially when I can’t seem to find a person to talk to (I’m really having a hard time trusting people these days it creeps me out) and I have this whole monologue about myself and my pain just waiting to be heard, all I have to do is type that jumbled monologue and I feel a tinsy bit better.

Babbling babbling and not getting across, but it’s all good.

Anyway, Happy Easter!

I am mad at myself for not attending our Easter Sunday mass. It makes my day extremely sad and dreadful.

Also, my bad habits are showing up one by one and I can’t seem to handle them anymore. Maybe I should just unleash the inner demons once and for all and let them wreck havoc at everything in my life so for once they’ll be contented and leave me alone. But then I can’t face the consequences, can I? Oh choices, choices.

I wanted to go to the beach since late March but looking at things, it is a 50-50 situation comparing it to the 101-0 percent early April. I wanted to climb a mountain but postponing it every time eventually lead to not having any friends to climb a mountain with. I wanted to buy stuff for the sake of having stuff but I am not selfish enough to do that. I wanted to have some alone time but that requires a lot of thinking and that (the thinking) I should stray away from. I wanted to be somebody, change myself, be a person of confidence, but my anxiety and introvert-ness is teaming up to focus everything in their power on me. I wanted a boyfriend but I’m too clammed up and unpretty to actually be asked out on a date.

(Funny thing. After I typed unpretty, this pesky red wave underlined the word. Deciding that it would actually help, I right-clicked the word and the computer suggested the word “pretty”. Funny funny thing.)

Googling “Quarter Life Crisis Symptoms” seemed like a lot of work so I opted to write instead of read. I really feel like everybody is moving on while I’m still here. Stuck on the spot with the same beliefs, mindset, and thinking. (Also still not succumbing to the trend and still wearing the same set of clothes.) It might seem insensitive of me to say this because some people have it worse than me but I really do feel stuck. And i know it is all my fault for not trying hard to move forward. I don’t think I have the strength, YET, to move, move along a path I know in my heart that I’m meant to be in.

Praying for something big to happen soon so I will be woken up from these endless dreams of plainness and meh.

This is not me. Please get me back, me.