“That feeling you get when you are with your friends but you still feel alone.”
Okay. I’m gonna let out some steam. Just, listen (or read).
We got this group on our section, it’s just a group that was formed after times of being together and talking and stuff. We were pretty tight. Then our little group got bigger. And bigger.
Getting to the point…
I went to my friend’s house last Tuesday. I was sort of planning not to come because of some circumstances (namely: I’m tired of traveling from Pampanga to Bataan, my teeth are aching from braces’ adjustment and the Pasta on one of my molars, boredom, and lack of cheering squad…inspiration) but I guess I want some time to relax so I went.
When I got there, Madee welcomed me at the gate and asked if I could go with her to wait for her suitor out on the street. I said yes because I have nothing to do and it’s rude to say “No”. Then we waited. It kinda sucked that we waited for quite some time and walked for a few meters then when he (Reden) arrived, he just acknowledged me with an arch of an eyebrow then they started talking so I started walking ahead of them and they sort of forgot that I was there. It really sucked. So much for a welcome.
Oh, and I learned from Madee that my crush was now courting a girl. Okay. Heartbreak.
After opening the front door, I was greeted by no one. Surprise, surprise. They (Jason, Danes, Deye, Erick, Billy, Adrian, and Mae) were watching something on the TV. I sat on the stairs and asked for something to eat. They tossed me a plastic bag containing Ding Dongs and stuff like it that are so not good for my aching teeth. Then they started watching this horror film 4bia (which we will be making into a short film for our Humanities final exam) so I went outside to play some Pusoy Dos with the couples (Mae/Adrian and Madde/Reden). Well, I played with Adrian and Mae.
It was unnerving being in the room (or terrace) surrounded by couples. I’m the only one who doesn’t have a match. After a while, we got bored playing cards so we just sat in silence. I was silent, they’re not. They’re cuddling with each other and giggling like crazy. So I bought food for myself (and shared. I’m not that cold hearted). This is where my blood boiled.
After buying some doughnuts, I asked the boys in the living room if they want some and Erick just shooed me away. I hate him. I was just being nice and share-y and you shooed me away like I’m nothing? Was it really hard to be nice? Was it really that high a risk to be good?
So I went back outside and read my e-book. I can’t concentrate because I’m sleepy and hungry and irritated at the couples. Really. They’re not that intimate or whatever but it kind of irritates me that I’m outside with these people who explicitly shows that they don’t care about my feelings to the point that they don’t notice my being alone in their love encounters. Am I saying too much? I don’t care.
I went back inside after Mae and Adrian and Billy went home. I can’t stay outside any longer. I just focused on what I’m reading instead of the very loud sound effects of another horror movie, Grave Encounters. Jason once told me the plot of the story but it didn’t register much that time because when I was picturing it my mind created some cartoon version of it which was so cool. Then we finished the movie then decided to go home because it was getting dark and also, I just really wanted to go away. I really hated that feeling of being alone when you are with your friends.
Worst things were meant to happen.
We got out of the house in three mini groups. The first group was Erick, Deye, and Danes, the second group was (Surprise!) me, and the third group was Madee and Reden. I can’t express in words how alone I felt. How I pity myself. How I regretted going there. How sorry for myself I was. How small I felt in this oh-so-big world. Instead of breaking down and crying, I put my ear buds on and listened to Jessie J’s Domino. It sure did not help lighten up my mood. A few feet away from the house, Deye stopped and waited for me. I guess it was one of the most romantic things a guy I’m not involved with did to me without any initiative of sorts. He said that he did it for his friend (who was my crush) but I know he did not. He did it out of pity. I really looked pitiful, I know it.
But there’s always sunshine in every storm.
A few feet more, I noticed Jason following us. He said he’ll walk with us. I was very glad for his company. Don’t get me wrong, I was also glad for Deye’s company but it was kind of awkward and stuff and I’m more comfortable walking with Jason. It was a bit shocking for Jason to walk with us (to the Terminal) because I know he’s lazy. I asked him to come eat with me earlier but I bailed immediately because I really wanted to go home. I guess he saw me walking alone and also took pity on me. What a sad thought.
We got to the Terminal and rode home. I sat beside Deye and thanked him for walking with me. Before climbing down the Jeepney, they teased me with my crush but I did not expect anything. I know the things they said will never come true.
At times like these, I really miss TB. They’re what you call true friends. No, scratch that, they’re what you call FAMILY.
I’ll never feel the loneliness I felt today when I’m with them. I’ll never feel alone and secluded when I’m with them. Sucks that I can’t just run crying into their arms when I need them. Sigh.
I must stay strong. Not for anybody, but for me.
I miss you TB! Much love, Pey.
PS If my college friends are reading this, I’m sorry for the harsh words but I just really have to say it or write it down. Sorry. I still love you all, though!