Wanting to post something in a while now but not having the inspiration (nor the arsenal of words) to actually put something up kills me oh so slowly inside. I think that writing has helped me cope up with almost (almost!) everything in my life by physically manifesting my feelings into neatly typed sentences that I don’t know who’ll read but deep inside gives me a sort of soothing, calming effect. It allows me to analyze (me and my hyper analyzing obsession) my situation, my feelings, my thoughts, and let it go from there. Especially when I can’t seem to find a person to talk to (I’m really having a hard time trusting people these days it creeps me out) and I have this whole monologue about myself and my pain just waiting to be heard, all I have to do is type that jumbled monologue and I feel a tinsy bit better.
Babbling babbling and not getting across, but it’s all good.
Anyway, Happy Easter!
I am mad at myself for not attending our Easter Sunday mass. It makes my day extremely sad and dreadful.
Also, my bad habits are showing up one by one and I can’t seem to handle them anymore. Maybe I should just unleash the inner demons once and for all and let them wreck havoc at everything in my life so for once they’ll be contented and leave me alone. But then I can’t face the consequences, can I? Oh choices, choices.
I wanted to go to the beach since late March but looking at things, it is a 50-50 situation comparing it to the 101-0 percent early April. I wanted to climb a mountain but postponing it every time eventually lead to not having any friends to climb a mountain with. I wanted to buy stuff for the sake of having stuff but I am not selfish enough to do that. I wanted to have some alone time but that requires a lot of thinking and that (the thinking) I should stray away from. I wanted to be somebody, change myself, be a person of confidence, but my anxiety and introvert-ness is teaming up to focus everything in their power on me. I wanted a boyfriend but I’m too clammed up and unpretty to actually be asked out on a date.
(Funny thing. After I typed unpretty, this pesky red wave underlined the word. Deciding that it would actually help, I right-clicked the word and the computer suggested the word “pretty”. Funny funny thing.)
Googling “Quarter Life Crisis Symptoms” seemed like a lot of work so I opted to write instead of read. I really feel like everybody is moving on while I’m still here. Stuck on the spot with the same beliefs, mindset, and thinking. (Also still not succumbing to the trend and still wearing the same set of clothes.) It might seem insensitive of me to say this because some people have it worse than me but I really do feel stuck. And i know it is all my fault for not trying hard to move forward. I don’t think I have the strength, YET, to move, move along a path I know in my heart that I’m meant to be in.
Praying for something big to happen soon so I will be woken up from these endless dreams of plainness and meh.
This is not me. Please get me back, me.