Solitude

Deactivating social media accounts except this blog.

Not doing this to see who actually misses me but doing this for thyself.

I want to find me again. I badly want to feel whole just by being with myself. I need to have a real “fresh” start at things.

Finding my purpose without anybody’s one cent will be hard but I have to do this. I can do this. The Lord is with me.

 

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Welcome back, Engineer

Hello, my name is Feby Ann Buan Valerio and as of 9:24PM on the 7th of October, I am a Registered Mechanical Engineer.

Beep beep beep. Typing the aforementioned sentence feels so surreal. I literally am still buzzing with the uncontrollable energy I got when I first read the news.  I can’t seem to grasp the idea that finally, after these long months, my hard work (combined with all of my loved ones) paid off.

Coming back to my most cherished blog with a few letters added to my name is the warmest welcome I could hope for.

It has been months since my last blog post (totally emo-ish post) and I want to thank all the readers who still drop by expecting something new (and getting disappointed, I’d like to think) and to those who back read my past posts. I haven’t been able to post anything (even if I badly wanted to) because I had to focus all of my attention to my academics (eg thesis, Power Plant Design book, projects) and my graduation. You wouldn’t believe how stressful that part of my life was. College was so cruel to have its hardest phase for the finale. Around February was the time that I wasn’t able to do anything socially because my time is rationed to my thesis, design book, and a little bit of sleep. I wasn’t home for most days and even if I was, my body was glued to my laptop or my bed.

Though it was tiring, it was equally fulfilling to accomplish something that you actually did yourself (hello my babies Power Plant Design Book and Rotational Molding Machine). I thought graduating will be a breeze because I just really wanted to graduate. It wasn’t that I am not enjoying college, I just wanted to get away from all the drama that college students have. It eats me up and leaves my overthinking self dry and damaged. The day of graduation itself was no exemption to the rule. I almost didn’t attend the ceremonies due to my lack of self-confidence and overwhelming shame of how I look. But I pushed through it and I’m glad I did. After all, you only graduate in Undergrad once.

I had a few days of peace before my anxiety started to bother me because that time, around April (after my birthday, hooray 21-year old self!), I had to review for the board exam but I have no dorm, no dorm mates, no clue whatsoever what I should do to put everything into place. My classmates are all enrolled in another review center and I couldn’t stay in an all boy’s dorm (like duh). So what I did was join in another section’s dorm and tried to get along with new people. It was hard at first because I wasn’t normally sociable but it turned out okay because my dorm mates were good people. No kidding.

Review classes started last May 21 and ended just before the Licensure examination last September 28-29. I wouldn’t go into detail how challenging those months are. I was actually not that worried for the first months but that got me cramming all the lessons I have to study at the last month of review. I even reviewed the day before the exam (even though people told me that I should rest that whole day), stayed late, and also on the 28th (for the subjects on the 29th). Things that I regretted after the exam.

Never cram. I might have been lucky because I was used to cramming and I think it’s one of the study habits that I am adapted to but it is definitely not advisable to do so. You need your rest. Not just your mind, but your body also.

Right after the last day of examination, we went straight to church to attend the Midweek Service. It felt so right to give thanks to the Lord because I felt His Presence all throughout the time I was taking the exam. When questions get tough and my mind is going blank, I just sent a silent prayer and I’m good to go. God truly is amazing.

I went home a few days after the exam because my resources are getting depleted and I super miss my family (don’t forget my bed!). Tentative release of the results was October 4 so from that day on, I slept at around 2-3am. Nothing unusual really. I often sleep that late during the review.

Not expecting results coming out til next week, I was feeling lax (and fat) til one of my friends messaged me with “Congrats!” which I replied to with a “Ha?”. Then I hurriedly checked the website of PRC for the results and Tada~~~!!!

The rest is flooded in tears.

I already said my thank you’s on Facebook but there is one person I haven’t had the chance to say thanks to.

Dear self,

Thank you for being strong, physically and emotionally. I know how hard it is to interact to new people and to adjust to a new environment. You never liked loud and crowded places but you adapted. You never were the friendly one but you made tons of friends. You always doubted yourself but look! You are an Engineer and made everyone proud!

Thank you for not giving up. Even though you contributed to the rooftop’s slight flood at night, you always continued to face what lies ahead. Even though you find living in Manila hard, you still went through it’s daily grind.

Thank you for doing this, not just for yourself, but for your family and those who loves and believes in you.

Now, rest, enjoy life, and prepare for what lies ahead. Because the real world is gonna be a roller coaster ride!

Love, pey   ❤

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Thoughts at 12:16

It could’ve been nice if I had fallen for a person so hard that I would do anything for him to love me back.

I’ve always envied those Japanese and Korean dramas where girls confess their love courageously. They’ll give gifts, prepare lunch, make cute notes, and everything in their power to express how they feel.

Well, that would be an adventure.

Goodbye and Hello

received_1636990943257178I’m writing this post to formally say good bye to the year that made me the person I am today.

Good bye 2015.

If I were to personify you, you’re that boy whom I loved and still love even if you left me to fend for myself.

The first parts were all lovey dovey. It was all fun and games. You let me be happy and blanketed myself with the security that I’ll stay that way. I was contented. I did not wished for anything more. I myself torn down my walls brick by brick because I knew you were waiting on the other side with arms wide open. I went out of my way to be there for you, lending you my strength, my courage, my heart.

And that was the calm before the storm.

Slowly, we drifted away. I admit I, too, contributed to what happened. I acted childish, pushed you away so many times you grew tired and finally let me. It was too late when I realized that I have no means of getting you back.

The next phase was the hardest, the “remembering how we used to be when everything was butterflies and rainbows”. The should have’s, the what if’s, the could have’s. It ate my whole essence away. It turned me into a shell filled with over-thinking nerves and anxiety cells. Everything I do screams negative. I was never truly happy.

I craved so much for the happiness I once felt that I turned into someone even I don’t recognize anymore.

And I don’t want to be like that anymore. No more.

So I’m moving on.

As the year regains its 366 fill, I’m also going to fill myself with the positivity of a wide-eyed child, the wisdom of an old soul, the courage of a lone soldier in a field of enemies, the understanding of a mother to the unborn, and the love of a person who was loved beyond words.

Hello 2016. Let’s build a better relationship. Let’s build us.

Unexpected Places

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I recently developed a habit of looking up at certain times of the day. Every morning when I run, in the afternoons at school, and at night when I walk home. Some would say it’s stupid and a waste of energy but it somehow calms me. And I honestly find it beautiful. Those different colors, cloud formations, and shades of blue are nature’s everyday work of art.

One afternoon at school, while waiting for the CEA Christmas Tree Lighting program to start, I did my usual “where will the sun set” survey of the surroundings and found it behind the CEA building. Anxious to capture a simple memory, I went up the (empty and creepily silent) building. You could count the number of students with your fingers.

But it was totally worth it (even the going inside an empty room with no lights on) because I got to witness something that someone out there can only dream of seeing.

It might be simple and ordinary for some, but these moments are what makes life worth living.

Look At Me

That look that melts your insides, that tells you stories about myself and how I got here, that same look I want you to hold on to for the longest time possible.

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See you soon future bestfriend, future anchor. Promising myself that I will not be looking for you, but at you.